


Stored in the Heart

by antonomasia09



Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Memory Loss, Team Awesome Force, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 15:30:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12111750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antonomasia09/pseuds/antonomasia09
Summary: AU where the machine in 3x05 has a lasting effect on Johnny's memories.





	Stored in the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to theladyragnell for the beta, and for indulging my capslock shouting about this show!

For some parts of Johnny’s life, D’avin was there. For others, Dutch was. The parts without either of them aren’t worth remembering anyway.

***

Johnny manually performs a full diagnostic of Lucy’s systems, from life support to long-range sensors. “You guys depend on me being able to fix Lucy if there’s a problem,” he explains when he catches them all looking at him weirdly. “I have to make sure I still can.”

“Knowledge is stored in a different part of the brain than memories,” Zeph says, rolling her eyes. She comes up with a cognitive test for him anyway, to be repeated once a week for a year, in case of residual effects from the machine. D’avin offers to create a corresponding memory test, which Johnny’s pretty sure is just going to be an excuse to embarrass him.

Dutch takes him aside later. “You don’t need to be worried about your place on the team,” she tells him, “even if you can’t remember a thing about engineering. What we care about is _you_.”

He wants to argue. Wants to tell her that she’s being irresponsible, that she should be concentrating on the war effort instead of babysitting him. That he could be a liability, and he’ll never forgive himself if one of them dies because he makes a mistake.

Instead, he gives her a cheeky smile and says, “You know, I would make an incredibly handsome team mascot.”

***

He doesn’t even realize he’s forgotten the name of Pawter’s father until he sees Louella at the RAC captains’ funeral. It bothers him - after all, the man gave his life for Johnny - but he’s too distracted by the murder mystery and then the agonizing pain in his gut to worry about it at the time.

Lying awake in bed that night, he painstakingly goes back through every single memory he has of Pawter, biting down on a fist whenever it gets to be too much. He’s pretty sure they’re all still there, but there’s no way to be sure. He’s been avoiding thinking about her for too long.

“Lucy, you’ve got audio and visual recordings of every time Pawter was on board, right?” he softly asks the ceiling.

“I do, John,” she replies. “As well as audio recordings of every time Pawter Simms called you through my communications systems. Would you like me to play you one?”

Johnny shakes his head. “Not right now, Luce,” he says. “But thanks.”

He doesn’t sleep at all that night.

***

Johnny and Dutch have made each other a lot of promises over the years. _You wanna run, I call shotgun. We don’t have to stay here; we can just fly away and never come back._

Johnny wanders into the kitchen in the morning, bleary-eyed, and grabs the first mug he sees. “That one’s mine,” Dutch says, her voice tight, and he knows they’re both wondering what promises he’s forgotten.

***

Johnny has been passing Zeph’s tests with flying colors. D’avin’s…not so much. 

“Oh, come on. You can’t possibly expect me to remember what color shirt you were wearing the first time we went skating. I was like, three.”

“It was my favorite shirt at the time, and you tore a huge hole in it when you skated headfirst into me. Remember now?”

“No.”

Normally, when someone forgets something, it’s because the neurons associated with that memory stop talking to each other. When something triggers a reminder, a flood of neurotransmitters restores the connection. 

Zeph theorizes that the machine permanently disabled the connection between some of the neurons in Johnny’s brain. 

Every time they find something Johnny has forgotten, D’avin asks, “Remember now?” anyway. Johnny’s not sure if it’s sweet or annoying. It’s certainly better than Dutch’s reaction, which is to freeze and then make up an excuse to leave the room.

What happened to him isn’t her fault, and he’s told her this. She made the right call, trying to clean up the RAC - if anyone’s to blame it’s the Hullen and McAvoy. She blames herself anyway, of course.

“Okay, what happened to the cat you tried to adopt when you were seven?”

“You asked me this one last week.”

“Zeph said I should repeat questions to make sure that the memory loss isn’t still progressing.”

Johnny sighs. “Dad found out about the cat and got rid of it,” he says. “And that’s a memory I wouldn’t have minded losing.”

D’av grimaces in sympathy. “Well, the good news is, you don’t seem to be losing any more memories. The bad news is, the ones you’ve lost are totally random, and there’s no way of knowing how many there are, so it’s gonna be an unpleasant surprise every time one comes up.”

The results are pretty much what Johnny had expected, though that doesn’t make him feel any better. But now’s not the time to dwell on what he’s lost, not with a Hullen armada on its way.

“So let’s go make some new ones,” he says.


End file.
